Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
