got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
