I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
