Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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