I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
You are the jesus of drinking
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
