Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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