I could make wine with my vomit
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
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