it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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