A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
