mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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