ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I need a beard to bite.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
