I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
