omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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