Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
