i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
