No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
