I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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