dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
