do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
