tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
