after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
