People in love make me want to vomit
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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