Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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