Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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