My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
