he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
