i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
