Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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