I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
