i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
