there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
