also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
