I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
