one two three fourrrrnication!
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Randomize
