I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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