To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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