dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?�
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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