Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
