god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
