Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
