I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
My vagina just recognized that song.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
