He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
NoShamevember. You game?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
