If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
