I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
