I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
