I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
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