What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
