Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
