Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
