I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
