they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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